[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*