Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier