[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?