[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
🖤✌🏽
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
✌🏽
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.