[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!