*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
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If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I have never related to a cat more
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times