Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*