getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
kevin is now a local weatherman
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
is this a threat
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*