Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
You Might Also Like
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND