Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…