[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess