Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion