Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all