*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
This could be us but you eatin’
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Ha
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight