[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
You Might Also Like
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Sticker placement is key.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her