Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

President The Rock Obama

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

this is not a scam

DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm