*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”