[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.