Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
You Might Also Like
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
🙀🙀🙀😹
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross