[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
who did the taste test?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*