getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”