getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.