Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.