Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Overindulged this afternoon.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”