Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
You Might Also Like
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Sheep
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
constantly working on myself.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you