Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
You Might Also Like
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama