Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy