Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Life with a cat in one tweet
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds