*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Bootstraps
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Y’all ready for this
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.