Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
His flabber was gasted 😂
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*