getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?