Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.