Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.


[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*


Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*


Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.


Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes


INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich


Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.


*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*


Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.


My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”