[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.