Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Hello Twits.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”