#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You Might Also Like
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*