[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Yup….perfect score!
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized