GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory