@chopper4jk

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

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@TheAlexNevil

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

@meganamram

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@JasonLastname

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

@Molly_Kats

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

@TheCatWhisprer

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

@Blazed_n_Amused

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

@dumbbeezie

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.