gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.