[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed