GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I did not eat the cake…