Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
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I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Just as the prophecy foretold
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.