gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]