GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
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No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.