GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
omg leave her alone
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Cinematography is my passion
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting