GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Nice try, NASA
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.