GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
No laws when master is gone
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.