*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
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Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.