*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there