gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Saw online –
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.