Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I will never stop laughing at this
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem