GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind