gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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crying
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.