GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
the icebreaker
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.