GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
estão todos miauvindo?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.